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Spread like a wildfire:

 

I’d like to give a huge shout out to Feedspot for ranking me #64 in the top 100 LGBT Blogs & Websites. Thank you everyone for all your tremendous support. I love you all. Enjoy! – Glend M. 

 

Do me a favor… never change. Everything about you is so unique. I’ve never met a single person like you. When you walk into a room, there’s a pause and it’s like everyone knows that you’re there. You’re my biggest motivation. How do you do it? How do you have so much charisma? How do you smile through everything? You make me so brave. You’re going to get through this, I know you are. You’re too strong to be lost. I know you too well. I know you will make it out alive. I love you Glend. I have always loved you. You are the one… my only one….”  – X (December 2015) 

 

It’s Monday and I walk the halls of my school with a mission. I’m analyzing everyone and everything. I need to find the right person, the perfect person to spread this secret. You see Brit, you don’t get to steal my happiness without paying a price. X may be too stupid to see what you’re doing but I’m not. I pass by people but I haven’t found the right person yet. Lunch is overbearing but I’m too busy to eat. I overhear everyone talking about what happened on Friday. You see, on Friday Brit was exposed on social media. We can clearly see she’s getting fucked by someone who isn’t X. We all saw it yet her and X are eating lunch together ignoring the world. I sit a few tables behind them and I’m completely filled with anger and jealousy. I feel it, the urge to destroy their little ridiculous fairy tail. How could that bitch take my man?  I mean, is he really my man? I don’t even know at this point. I’m still searching for the perfect person. “Is someone sitting here?” I hear. I look up and I think I just found my perfect person. “No, no one is sitting there, take a seat if you want Vivian.” Wow, look how to universe works. I didn’t go looking, she found me. Vivian and I met each other freshman year of high school but never really talked. She’s notorious for always having two boyfriends so she’s the right type of messy. “How are you?” I ask. “I’m fine, did you have fun at frank’s? I don’t really remember it, it’s kind of a blur.” she says. Yeah, it’s basically a blur because you get too trashed to remember. “I didn’t drink at all to be honest, so it was kind of boring. I had a lot on my mind.” I say. Vivian is hated by most of the school, pretty similar to me. She has this nasty attitude to her and her tough accent doesn’t help. Most people ridicule her but are still up her ass. Recently, she started dating two best friends at the same time. Needless to say, it didn’t end well. “I heard something but I don’t know if it’s true, haha it’s kind of silly. It even sounds ridiculous to say it out loud, haha.” I say. Let’s see if she takes the bait. “How ridiculous? What happened? I’ll tell you if it really happened or not.” she says. Bingo. “I heard Brit is cheating on her boyfriend with Kevin and that she might be pregnant. It’s so stupid haha it could never be true.” I say. “What?! That’s impossible, I’m fucking Kevin right now.” she says as she opens her eyes. Sis, Kevin too? The whole school knows you have two boyfriends. “Then it has to be a lie haha, see it’s ridiculous. I heard it from someone and you just confirmed that it can’t possibly be true. Just please don’t say you heard it from me, I don’t want any problems with anyone. Actually, don’t tell anyone. Is that ok? ” I ask. “Yeah, it’s not true at all. And honestly, I would never bring it up to anyone. I have way too much pride. I don’t get caught up in silly drama. I actually have to go, I’m running late to class.” she says and she scatters off. “Alright bye!” I say as I wave. Now, let’s just wait. Vivian is a lot of things but everyone knows she can’t keep a secret. She can barely contain her dirty laundry in her closest. Everyone knows everything about her, she is as transparent as it gets. I know I told the right person. The bell rings for class and I get up and try to rush to class. Since it’s Monday, today’s periods are 1-6. 5th period goes way too fast and before I know it, I’m already in 6th period. When I take my seat, I overhear all the gossip. “Everyone thinks the guy she was fucking was actually Kevin.” “No! You’re lying!!” “I swear, I heard that she’s actually pregnant by him too!” “But isn’t he fucking with Vivian?!” “Yeah, he is and her boyfriends just found out.” Wow, really vivian. You couldn’t wait one whole day? Thank you for making this much easier. I continue to hear my classmates gossiping. “Who’s your source? How does everyone know?!” “I honestly don’t know, but it makes sense and to be honest I’ve seen Kevin and Brit hang out alone in the soccer room together so I can totally see it.” I’m so happy. The whole school knows, there’s no way she can get away with this. Brit, you messed with my future, I had to do this. You understand don’t you? 20 minutes into class I ask to go to the restroom. As I walk to the restroom, I see Brit crying and running to the staircase. What a pathetic weak bitch, have some backbone. I walk over to her and just see her crying and all her makeup is on her hollister jacket. “Hey Brit are you okay?” I ask. “Oh Glend, no I’m not. I feel like my whole life is a mess. I don’t know what to do. I just need someone to talk to.” Ew, this bitch is disgusting, she’s too pretty to look this ugly when she cries. “What happened Brit? You know you can always tell me anything, I would never tell anyone.” I say. “Ok well, everyone knows I’m cheating with Kevin and I’m pregnant but it was an accident. I swear I didn’t mean to do it. Please help me, I don’t know what to do. I’m completely alone and I don’t have a friend who understands.” She says as she looks up at me. “Brit, relax. I’ll be your friend. Tell me everything that’s going on and I’ll try to find a solution.” I say as I kneel down. She spent the next 10 minutes explaining all her problems. From cheating with Kevin to convincing X the baby is his…. Everything. “Wow, that felt great. I feel so much better. Thank you Glend, I have to get to class but this talk really helped. You really are an amazing friend. Let’s hang out this weekend okay?” she says. “Yeah, let’s do it, we can go to the mall!” I say. “Sounds like a plan.” she says as she walks away. I stay and just stand in complete silence. I can’t believe that just happened. I look at my phone and press the stop recording button. Part 1? Check. Now let’s move on to part 2, I told you Brit, no one fucks with my future…..

 

Takes a bitch to know a bitch:

 

The day I tried killing myself is the most memorable day of my life. My life hit a restart. I remember being in the hospital room and calling you. I remember hearing you break down. Telling you all the things they did to me. All the mistakes I made. X, to this day, you are my biggest lesson. Everything I am today is thanks to you. Through all the tears, laughs, smiles and heartaches…. Despite all the bad I would do it all over again. You and I are meant for each other. One day, we’ll have our happy ending. I’ll keep moving forward for us. 

 

 

“Who called you? Ashley?!” X says as he wipes the tears from his face and paces back and forth. “It doesn’t matter who called me. How do you know?” I ask. “I know because my friend just sent me the video. God, this is so embarrassing. I’m a laughing stock. Imagine what everyone is going to say, fuck man, what am I supposed to do?” he asks. “What are you supposed to do? Brit’s the one that’s exposed. How can you care more about how you feel than how she feels?” I ask. “Oh, now you care about how she feels? Why don’t you care about how she feels when I make love to you? When you try to tell me rumors about her? Why the fuck don’t you care then?” he says. Typical guy, makes me feel like the bad guy for only stating the truth. You see, when a toxic person is wrong, they don’t try to argue why they’re right…. they try to argue why you’re just as wrong. “Wait a god damn second, I don’t owe Brit anything, YOU DO. You’re her boyfriend. You’re such a laughing stock right? That feeling of embarrassment, how do you think she feels? She’s the one actually in the video. Brit’s an idiot but she’s a nice person. I’m sorry that I love you but that doesn’t mean that I want any harm to anyone.” I say but I can feel myself tearing up. As him and I argue back and forth, his phone begins to ring. “It’s Brit, do I answer?” he asks. He looks at me with these puppy eyes. I see so much good in his eyes. I see a future in his eyes, how can I ever be mean to him? “Yeah, answer.. let’s see what she says.” I say. He answers and puts his phone on speaker. “Yo, what’s up?” he asks. Brit is screaming and crying. “Babe, that video is from before us. I can’t believe someone would do that. Please, you have to believe me. I can’t lose you. You just met my parents a few days ago. Please baby please, I can’t let you leave. Don’t break up with me. You’re my everything.” she says. Honestly, I understand what she’s saying. Shit, I think I’m the only person on earth who completely understands what she’s saying. We both love the same man. The only difference is this man actually loves me but should I take pride in that? Should there even be a competition? “Tell her you just need some time to think about things.” I whisper in his ear. He looks at me and nods. “Brit, I just have a lot going on right now and this is a lot. I need some time to process all of this. Can I just have some time to think about all of this?” he says. He stares into my eyes as he tells her this. I’m sad that this is happening to her but I’m also happy. He looks at me and smirks. “I’ll just talk to you later ok Brit?” he says. “I….will die if I lose you, please don’t leave me. Take this time to think but I’m sorry please don’t le-” he hung up. I didn’t even get to hear her finish. “Maybe, this is a blessing in disguise. Fuck that bitch, I’m glad I got to get rid of her. Let’s spend the weekend together baby.” he says. Wow, men. You see how quick his emotions just changed. He was angry and now he’s relieved. “Baby, this is our chance. Let’s forget this nasty bitch and just move on. I’ll find a way to keep things lowkey for now and then once you graduate, we can leave. How’s that sound?” he says. He’s telling me everything I want to hear and I wish I was strong enough to say no. “Leave?” I ask. “Leave, look, you’re a junior this year. You graduate next year, we’ll fucking leave. Forget everyone and everything.” he says with sparkles in his eyes. It’s truly an amazing feeling, having the one you love say things you want to hear. It’s hypnotizing. “Ok, yes yes, let’s spend the weekend together. I have clothes. Fuck the getty. Actually, fuck everything. Let’s just spend the weekend together.” I say as I jump on him. “God, you’re so beautiful…I could stare at you all day…” he says as he holds me. “Hungry, babe?” he says. Babe? Omg, is this what being in a relationship is like? This is the only normal and consistent thing in my life. I can’t let this go. I have to make this work. “Yeah, I am. Can you get food?” I ask. “Yeah, let me get dressed. I’m gonna run to publix.” He says. As he gets dressed, I see his phone ringing. The number isn’t in his contacts but they keep calling him. “Babe, someone’s calling you.” I say. He comes, gives me a kiss and says “Nothing is as important as you. Fuck them. I’m gonna get food and I’m gonna leave my phone here. I’ll be right back.” he says. He walks out of his room and immediately runs back. “Glend, hide in the closet.” he says. “What?!” I ask. “Brit’s here, just hide in my closet until I get her to leave.” He says as she shakes. “Ok ok.” I say as I get comfortable in the closet. I mean I don’t think this can get any worse. “I’ll be right back.” he says. A few minutes pass and I can hear distant arguing. Brit eventually storms in his room. “Please, please, talk to me. Please, listen to me that video doesn’t mean anything.” she says. I’m looking through the closet and see her on her knees begging. “I’m nothing without you please” she says. “Brit, I told you. I just need some days to think about this. Why do things always have to get crazy with you? Why can’t you just handle situations normally?!” X says. My baby, he’s always such a calm and collective individual. He radiates everything I want. I have these front row seats to this argument. He’s just gonna kick her out and we’re going to spend our weekend together. Fuck that bitch, right baby? “I’m pregnant.” she says and his stance completely changes. “I’m pregnant and it’s yours. You can’t leave us. We’re you’re family.” she says as she begins to rub her belly. She grabs his hand and begins rubbing her own belly. “I have a picture of the sonogram….want to see your baby?” she says. “Yeah… I do.” he says. X?… What are you doing?! “Look!” she says as she wipes her tears. “It’s our baby…” she says. “We’re going to be a family baby, just me, you and the baby. You can’t leave us… right!?” she screams. X took a long pause, stared her in the eye, and said “Yeah, just us three…” I guess Brit isn’t as dumb as I thought she was. Now this bitch is playing with my future, now….things are gonna get ugly. I’ll make sure of it, bitch.

Rumor has it:

“I will never love someone the way I love you. There’s millions of people in the world and all I can think of is you. You are the highlight of my life. There are no words to describe what I would do for you. When I found out you tried to hurt yourself, all I could do is blame myself. You were always there for me when I needed you. You always walked for miles to make me happy. I’m sorry I wasn’t man enough for you. I know it’s probably too late…. but no matter what, I will always love you…….” – X 

 

 

One of my biggest flaws is how transparent I am. Whatever emotion I’m feeling, you can tell by the look on my face. I’m so nervous I’m shaking, how much of an idiot am I? “Yeah, she’s pregnant.” I say. He looks at me with such a disappointed face. “How long have you known?” he says as he tears up. “I just found out today, someone told me.” I say. “Who told you?!” he asks. I know he’s hurting but I can’t tell why. “It doesn’t matter who told me, I just know.” I say. “Well, I have to tell my parents. I don’t even know what they’re going to say. We just started getting back on good terms.” he says. Wait a god damn minute. Is he serious? “Do you mean you’re the father?” I ask. “Yeah, who else is it going to be?” he says. Wow, X. You really are something. “You told me you never came in her, that you would barely fuck her. I can’t believe that I’m in the same stupid position. Only this time it’s completely different. I’m not going to stand by you while you have a baby. I have to have some type of respect for myself.” I say. I’ve never been in a position like this before. I’m not even sure I mean half of what I’m saying. I just don’t know, there are so many thoughts running through my mind. What am I supposed to do? “Respect for yourself? I respect you. I need you. Look, I can’t figure this out without you. I need you by my side for this. Please don’t leave me alone in the darkness. Just give me some time to think about this. Hell, for all we know it could all be a rumor.” He says. If I could go back in time, I would tell myself that this is all bullshit. I know it now but I wish I knew it back then. “Fine, i’ll give you some time to think about it. Maybe they are just rumors.” I say but I don’t really mean it. “Baby, you got me all worried up for no reason. Yeah…. yeah now that I’m thinking about it, there’s no way Brit is pregnant. Baby, let’s go to my house so I can give you what I was supposed to give you yesterday.” he says. Fuck, I know I shouldn’t but I really want to. “Sure, let’s go just make sure to bring me back by the time school gets outs.” I say. “Don’t tell me what the fuck to do, I tell you what to do.” he says. God damn it, this man. Well, am I really an idiot? Because the way I see it, he doesn’t even believe Brit is pregnant. He’s speeding to his house but honestly, I know for a fact I can’t be the idiot in this situation. We enter his complex, I’m secretly looking out for Brit. This bitch is hiding in corners, who knows what the fuck this bitch is doing. We park the car and he turns to look at me. “No matter what happens, you’ll always have me…. got it?” Always? Have someone? My life has consisted of inconsistency and for someone to actually tell me that, makes me finally feel relieved. I feel reassured for once. “Yeah… I got it.” I say. We go inside and go straight to his room. We have no time to talk, every kiss is filled with passion. We’re on his bed and clothes start flying off. “I’ve been wanting to give you this dick since yesterday… please don’t ever leave me.” he says as he takes his pants off. “I’ll never leave you baby..” I say. I start sucking his dick and if sucking dick was a sport, I’d be Bolt in the Olympics.  I have to feel him in my throat. I have to please him. He’s mine, all mine. He needs me. The look on his face as I swallow him whole is priceless. “Baby please don’t stop…” he moans. In the midst of my blow job, his phone starts to ring. He looks and he sees that it’s Brit. “Don’t stop.” he tells me. “Hello… yeah, I can’t talk right now… babe, I can’t talk right now I’m on the phone with my mom… Yeah, I’ll see you tonight for the getty. Bye.” he says as he throws his phone. “You see, she’s nothing compared to you. You’re mine baby and I’m all yours.” Fuck, I wish that didn’t turn me on but it does. I get up and start riding him. “Baby… fuck baby, I’m always yours, I’m never going to leave you…” he says. Fuck, this feels amazing, to have him inside of me. Stroke after stroke, knowing that at this very moment he’s mine. “Fuck…. baby, you’re gonna make… me….. cum…” he says as he releases his load. “Fuck, I’m sorry I came so fast…” he says. “It’s fine haha. Can I shower?” I ask. “Yeah, here let’s shower together.” We get in the shower and he starts bathing me. He washed my entire body and hair. “Baby, you’re so beautiful… god how’d I get so lucky?” He says. Let me clarify something to you guys, when a guy starts asking corny rhetorical questions, he’s hooked. “I have no idea, life has a funny way of turning out.” I say. “Yeah, I’ve been trying to give you this dick since yesterday. Stop tripping out over dumb shit baby, I don’t give a fuck about Brit. I have to constantly tell you this, but she’s just a cover up. Even if I fuck her, I’m thinking of you. Got it?” he says. “Okay baby.” I say. Honestly, the confidence I have right now is out of this world. I had this man’s dick in my mouth while he answered his girlfriend’s call. I can feel like I can climb any mountain. X washes himself and we get out. “Wanna take a nap? I just want to cuddle with you.” He says as he dries himself. “Yeah that’s fine, wanna drop me off at Ashley’s later? You can just leave me at the entrance of her complex.” I say. “Yeah that’s fine.” he says. “Ok, let me just text her and let her know I’ll meet her at her house.” I say as I reach for my phone. When I look, I have a missed call from Ashley so I decide to call her back. “Hello?” I say. “Glend, where are you?!” she says. “Yeah, hey, I’ll meet you at your house. I left school to help my mom with something…” I tell her. “Bro, forget that. Did you hear what happened today?” she says. “No, I’ve been busy, what happened?!” I ask. “I just got a video of Brit and a guy fucking, and it doesn’t look like her boyfriend!!!” she says. I turn around and see X crying from anger as he’s looking at his phone. “So… I’m assuming you heard about my girlfriend getting fucked on video….” He says as he slowly looks up to me. Well, now what?

Daydreaming:

 

My safe place is my mind. I can go anywhere at anytime. I’m free to run through the fields of my thoughts without any care of the world. In my mind, you and I are married with three kids. I help the kids with math and you help them with sports. You cook and I clean. In my mind, you and I overcame every obstacle. My love, in my mind you aren’t afraid to show me off. In my mind, we did it. 

 

As I sit in class, I can’t help but think of how everything always falls in my lap. I can’t even focus on the lesson because I’m just trying to wrap my head around everything. Brit, is that why you were so emotional? Is it Kevin’s? It can’t be X’s, he says he doesn’t cum when he fucks Brit. Could he be lying? All these thoughts and no answers. I’ve said it before, the difficult part of this entire situation is how no one can actually give me advice. You see, in a normal relationship, the pair goes to their own friends with advice but I can’t do that. Who am I going to tell that I’m actually in love with X and that his relationship with Brit is a sham because she’s pregnant by Kevin. You see? I can’t even believe it. “Mr.Martinez?” I hear faintly. “I’m so sorry, yes sir?” I asked. Shit, he was talking to me and I’m here day dreaming. “Try to pay attention, I can see you’re in a hole full of thoughts. Try to focus on this. So like I was saying….” And, it’s back to my thoughts. I don’t understand the point of him addressing that I’m overthinking. How does he not know I’m not amazed at his intelligence? Oh, that’s right. He knows I’m trying to be anywhere else but here. Most teachers or administrators are useless. I’ve told multiple counselors, teachers and administrators about the difficulties I go through and not one of them have gone the extra mile to help me. One day, my step father beat me so bad that he left me a black eye and bruises all over my arm. I went to the counselor to tell her what happened and she told me that I should stop making up stories and just get to class. The staff at this school only cares about those who excel academically. If your GPA isn’t at a certain average, they could care less about you or your problems. It’s funny, your high school career begins the first day of freshman year. Actually, some (myself included), began our high school career in 6th grade. Imagine, a mistake an 11 year old makes could damage their work when they’re 17. The whole system is stupid. The bell rings for lunch and I rush out of class. “In a hurry, Mr.Martinez?” my teacher says. “Actually, yes I am. See you Monday.” I say as i smirk. I walk to the back of the school to sneak out. Securities don’t even notice me. I walk through the back gates without even raising an eyebrow. Sometimes I’m grateful for it but other times, I wouldn’t mind getting in trouble. I have to actually be noticed to get in trouble. My school is located in the middle of a bunch of complex’ so it’s not hard to find something to do. “I’ll meet you at chipotle after school.” I text Ashley. I’m supposed to be sleeping over her house tonight to go to that stupid getty. I don’t even see the point of going, all I’m going to do is stand there. Ashley is way more social and comfortable in those environments. There’s also a small park located behind our school, I walk there to just clear my mind. I put my headphones in and I’m finally at peace. Just me and my thoughts in an endless illusion of happiness. As I walk, I see a familiar car pass by, stop and slowly reverse. Fuck, it’s X’ car. He put his passenger’s seat window down and looks directly at me. Need a ride?” he asked. “No, I don’t need anything from you.” I say as I try to ignore him. I try to walk a little faster so he can just leave me alone. “Really? You don’t need anything from me? I wish that were my case with you. I need you.” There it is again, someone needs me. I pause and my stomach is filled with butterflies. He needs me in a world where no one needs me. Where I’m not seen, he sees me. “I turn to him and ask him “Do you really mean that?” I can feel my eyes getting teary. “Yes Glend, I need you. Please get in the car. I wanna be with you. Only you, I’ll work on the Brit situation just please. My day has been a wreck without you. Please.” I look down, try to wonder and piece together everything he said. I wish I knew better. “I need you too.” I say as I get in the car. He rolls the windows up, grabs me by my hair and gives me a kiss. “Please, don’t ever leave me. I need you.” he says as his lips touch mine. This is happiness, this is God’s twisted way of giving me happiness. I know it. He hasn’t given me much but he gave me you. I feel it. I’m overwhelmed with happiness. X, you are my peace and harmony. “I’ll never leave you, ever.” I say. He finally starts driving while holding my hand. “How’d you leave school?” he asks. “Haha, I have my ways.” I say. “Well, where were you going?” he asked. “I was going to wait at the park to be honest, I just needed some time to think but honestly, this helped clear my mind a lot. Thank you for needing me.” I say. “Uhh, you’re such a weirdo but I love it. Ok, let’s just chill in my car until school is over and then i’ll drop you off.” he says. “That’s fine with me.” I say with the biggest smile. Me and my man, cruising around in his car. Is this what love feels like? Like you’re riding a cloud and nothing can stop you? X, I am my happiest when I’m with you. Please don’t ever leave me. “Are you going to the getty tonight?” I ask him. “Yeah, I am. Are you?” he asks. “Yeah, I am with Ashley. That’s why I have all these clothes in my bookbag. I’m sleeping over her house.” I say. “Oh, that’s cool. Yeah, I’m going with Brit but to be honest I don’t think we’re going to drink. She’s been weird with food lately. We’re just going because Frank is throwing it and I pretty much have to go.” he says. “Yeah, it’s the pregnancy hormones.” I say. “The what!?” he says as he lets go of my hand. Oh no, shit, what did I just do?!

A lie is a lie is a lie:

 

 

Think Glend, what would X do? “You saw me leave his house?” I ask. Fuck, I have no idea what the fuck to say. “Yeah, I was parked in the corner after I left his house. I’m so confused, why would he tell me he was sick if you were there? Tell me Glend. What’s going on?!” she asked. Fuck, she’s stupid but she’s just scared. What should I do? “Um…You know Brit, I’ve been helping him with virtual school. He told you he was sick because he’s just embarrassed. He doesn’t want to admit he needs help. He really cares about your opinion of him. Your opinion is the only opinion that matters to him, he just wants to be the best he can be for you.” I say. Wow, that felt like taking a bullet. Let’s see how stupid she really is. “Really?” she asks as tears stream down her face. “Really, why would I lie to you?” I say. Let you give you guys some word of advice. When someone asks you why they would lie to you, they’re lying to you. “Oh my god, that made me feel so much better. I don’t even know what I was thinking.” She says as she wipes the snot from her nose and looks at me. “Glend, I know we’re not that close but this meant so much to me. It made me so happy. My little baby is just scared to tell me he’s trying. And Glend! Thank you for taking care of him. He needs a little guidance and I’m so grateful he has you in his life.” she says. “No, I’m grateful he has you.” I say. I see her feathering her tears and I just can’t wait to get the fuck out of this car. This bitch is as crazy as she is stupid. Crazy for stalking her man and stupid for not knowing what he’s actually doing. “Hey Brit? we have to get to class haha. Can we go please?” I say. This car ride was horrible, I just want to get to class to completely forget this even happened. X? You see what you do to me. Thank god, I’m completely through with you. I will never again have to worry about being in such a stupid position. “Yeah let’s go.” she says as she gets out the car. I get out and tell her “Hey Brit, just go ahead, I’m going to take the long way. I have somethings to think about.” “Alrighty! Glend, class already started so we’re already late.” she says. I watch as Brit leaves to class. I decided to stay back just to think of everything. Am I a good guy for lying for X? Am I a bad guy for lying to Brit? It’s a battle that I have to overcome. I hate that I can’t speak to anyone about this. Who hears my side? Who comes to my aid? Who is stressing how I feel? I begin to tear up just thinking that I’m the only person who goes through what I go through. I’ve never met someone who experiences what I feel. Who’s been hurt the way I’ve been hurt. At school, sometimes I feel like I’m just mindlessly walking through the halls. I try my hardest to be there for people but no one has noticed that I’m in complete darkness. Who reaches their hand out for me? The tears begin to stream down. It’s an emotional meltdown that I’ve been holding in for too long. I start hyperventilating. I try to calm myself down but I can’t do it. Out of nowhere I hear, “hey Glend, are you okay?”. I turn around and I’m totally caught off guard. It’s Kevin. “Yeah Kevin, I’m fine thank you. I’m just going through a lot.” I say as I start wiping tears. God, Now I feel like Brit. I’ve never really talked to Kevin. We’ve been in the same social circles  but never really interacted with each other. “Why don’t sit down and we talk about it? You seem really distraught. Just sit down and relax.” he says. “You want me to sit on the parking lot?” I say. “Haha, yeah. Whenever I’m stressed, I sit. Ask anyone who knows me. Sit.” He says as he sits down and cross his legs. “Sure.” I say. I sit down and him and I start talking. I tell him the gist of what’s happening. No names but a general understanding. “So.. this is guy is gay? and he won’t come out for you? That’s crazy. Do I know him?” he asks. “No, you don’t. Only I know him. Sometimes, I feel like he doesn’t exist. Maybe I’m just making him up in my head.” I say chuckling. “That would be pretty funny haha, well, Glend I wouldn’t really know what to say. I’m not gay so I don’t know what he’s feeling but I know us guys are very hard headed but we mean well. A guy will change for the right girl….in this case I guess guy? haha.” we both start laughing. “Yeah, you’re probably right. Thanks Kevin, to be honest this talk helped me out so much. I’ve been so stressed lately and this might have been the first time I laughed in a while.” I say. Wow, I’m so calm and relaxed. It feels nice venting to someone even if it’s for a little while. I can’t tell him the whole thing but at least I got to tell something to someone. “Yeah, I’m kinda going through my own stuff.” he says. “Well, let’s not make this all about me. What’s wrong with you?” I ask. “Sooo, I’m talking to this girl and I grew a lot of feelings for her but she doesn’t see me as a relationship type of guy.” he says. Brit, is it because you have a boyfriend? You sneaky fox. “Yeah, I get you. Well, you’ll change her mind one day. Don’t worry.” I say. “Oh I am, trust me. She’s stuck with me for her whole life.” he says. Brit? You have him this hypnotized? I didn’t think you had it in you. You devilish dog. “Really? Haha why?” I ask. “Because she’s having my baby, Glend I’m gonna be a father!” Suddenly, the feeling of relief is gone. I see him talking but I hear no words. The world went completely silent. Oh Brit, you stupid bitch.

Forbidden Fruit:

 

Luis parked in the parking lot by a nearby park. “Have you done this before?” I turn to him and ask. “No and please don’t tell anyone. I’m just stressed and my girl can’t know. No one can know.” he says. “Don’t you worry, I’ll take really good care of you and I promise I won’t tell anyone.” He gets up and leads me to the back of his car. I give him head for about 10 minutes. He grabs me by my hair and gives me a kiss. “Now, come ride me.” he says.  Luis tastes as good as he looks. He’s an average height and built. I’m pretty sure his diet consists of Los Verdes and Chipotle. Making love is awesome but revenge sex is the best sex. As I ride him, all I can think about is how amazing this feels. No feelings, no attachments, and the fact that he has a girlfriend makes this ten times hotter. I’m not supposed to have you but I do. I’m pleasing you because she can’t. You’re fucking me and going home to call your girlfriend. No one has any idea the power I feel. You’re under me. X, someone is doing to me what you should be doing. Someone is touching me and aren’t I yours? “Fuck, I’m gonna cum.” he says. Yes, cum for me. All for me. Only me. “Well, that was fun.” I said as I put my clothes on. “Oh my god, I’ve never done something like that before. I’m not gay or anything but wow, you’re awesome.” He says. Of course I am. “Yeah, haha I try.” I say but I’m really just trying to be modest. “Just please don’t tell anyone and we can totally do this again.” he says as he jumps to the driver seat. “Yeah, i’ll keep that in mind. Now can you take me home please, I’m really hungry haha.” I say. “Haha, you didn’t have enough meat?” he says as he gives me a kiss. “I did, now you should go share some with your girlfriend.” I say with a wink. “Yeah, funny.” he says. “Not so funny now, huh?” I can tell he’s nervous now. “Glend bruh, this isn’t a joke. I’m not gay, don’t be telling people I’m gay.” he says. You see that? Men, their egos are the most fragile things on earth. “I won’t, just shut up and take me home.” I say. We get to my trailer and before I close the door, Luis says “Glend, remember don’t tell anyone. I’ll beat your ass if you do.” What an idiot. “You already did that, haha, bye.” I say before I close the door. I walk in to an empty trailer. Almost 10 and my mom isn’t home. I shower, change into pjs and eat. Before I knew it, I was already on my couch lost in my thoughts. The curiosity of men excites me. Men will always be attracted to what they shouldn’t have. I’m their forbidden fruit. I think of all the men in my school who have either tried to or have done something sexual with me. Soccer players, baseball players, swimmers, wrestlers, artists, nerds, freshmen, sophomore, juniors, seniors. Men from every aspect of our school. And it’s not only our school, Luis is an example and doesn’t even go to our school. Mater, Tech, Goleman, Gardens, the list goes on and on. All these men and not one of them compare to you X. As much as I try to deny it, I can’t. I actually feel like I cheated on you. I toss and turn and try to convince myself that it’s not cheating but I feel like I lied to you. X? You told her you loved her. I don’t want to share you with anyone X. Those other guys? I’m not sharing them, they’re not mine. They fuck me but they don’t make love to me. I want to meet your parents, I want you to meet my mom. Maybe you can change my mom, maybe, just maybe we can be happy together. Does that really sound crazy? A future together without Brit. Without opinions, just me and you. It sounds like paradise to me. I fall asleep thinking of what we could be X.

My alarm goes off hours later. I wake up for school and notice my mom still isn’t home. She probably isn’t going to be back until later so there’s not point in even telling her I’m sleeping over Ashley’s. I get up, make some coffee and start getting ready for school. As I look in the mirror, I take one good look at myself and tell myself “You will get through this. You will find a family. You will grow up and become successful. You will save your mom. You will graduate school. You don’t need a father. You are strong. You are smart. You got this.”  It’s just a little trick I do every once in a while so I motivate myself. I finish getting ready, pack some clothes for the weekend, and head out. I woke up early enough to catch the bus and I actually have money so I won’t have to beg the bus driver. It’s 6:45 and the bus passes at 6:55 so I’ll make it in time. The bus stop is right in front of my trailer park so it’s not far at all. I just usually walk to either save money or because I just don’t have the money. The bus is always on time which I absolutely love. There’s nothing I love more than punctuality. The bus ride is also very short, it never takes more than 10 minutes. I also take a bus that isn’t so popular so I always find a seat. I wonder what today is going to be like. I love sleeping over Ashley’s house because I get to see how a family works. Maybe her mom will even order pizza, I love when families order pizza. To me, pizza friday nights are one of the cutest things a family can do. Also, I wonder what this getty is going to be like. I always feel out of place at those things until I get extremely drunk and then I end up making a fool out of myself but people still invite me so whatever. The last bus stop is at the Burger King across the street from our school. We’re still early so I decided to stop by Publix before school starts to get a juice. I cross the street to the Publix plaza and as I’m walking past the parking lot, I couldn’t help but notice Brit’s car. It’s on the other side of the plaza but I can notice it because of the color and the rims. X always brings up how much he hates Brit’s car so I can spot that car from a mile away. I walk into Publix, get my juice really quickly, pay and as I’m walking out I see Kevin slam Brit’s car door and storm off. He’s so angry he doesn’t even notice I was walking out. I see him walk the opposite direction of the school so he’s probably going home. I see Brit pull out so I try to walk so she doesn’t notice. I hear honking, fuck she noticed. “Glend!! You need a ride??” she says as she pulls up next to me. “No thank you though! The school is right there! haha” I say. Fuck, I hope she doesn’t insist. “Bro, I insist. Please! I really need a friend right now.” god damn it. “Yeah sure, no problem.” I get in the car and I can tell she’s been crying. She leaves the plaza but has been quiet since I got in. “You know Glend, guys suck.” No sis, your guy sucks me all day. “Yeah, guys suck alright. haha. Just be single like me.” I say. That actually would solve a lot of my problems. “I should be, they all think I’m fucking stupid.” Yeah they do. “No, they don’t Brit. You’re really smart.” I say. “You don’t believe that, even you think I’m stupid.” she says. “No I don’t Brit, why would you think that?” I do think you’re stupid bitch. We’re entering the student parking lot and she turns to me and cries “I know you think I’m fucking stupid Glend.” Ok now this is getting pathetic. “Why would you think I think you’re stupid?” Who knows, maybe she’ll give me a new reason. She parks the car. Turns it off, wipes her tears, turns to me and says “I think you think I’m stupid but I’m not. I swear I’m not. Tell me Glend, why the fuck were you leaving my boyfriends house yesterday after he told me he wasn’t feeling well?” Aw shit, maybe she isn’t stupid.

 

Curiosity killed the cat:

 

 

“What do you mean she’s here?!” I ask. “What the fuck does it sound like?! She’s outside and she’s knocking on my door.” You were always horrible at situations that actually involved thinking. I keep seeing you pace back and fourth with no idea what to do. I get up and try to calm you down. Suddenly, you stop and run to your jeans. You get your phone and you call her. “Hey babe, I’m not feeling so well right now. I just got into a nasty fight with my dad and I just want to be alone. Ok, ok, I love you too, bye.” I love you too? Really? You walked to the window and see her pulling out. “Ok finally, she’s leaving. Alright where were we?” you say as walk up to me. “I’m going home.” I say. “What why?!” you ask. “Because this is stupid. What are we doing here? You’re telling Brit you love her now? Is this some type of game to you? Do you think that you’re so top tier that you can just play with everyone’s emotions at your expense?” I say as I put on my clothes. “You have no type of respect for anyone but yourself. You think just because you do nice things that doesn’t make you a bad person?” I could feel my heart breaking telling you this but I let my emotions get the best of me. It rarely happens but when it does I can’t stop it. “Brit deserves better and I do too.” I’m fully dressed and looking for my phone. “This is all because you heard me say I love you to her, right? Jealousy looks horrible on you. Well, don’t go walking home, I’ll just take you there since I’m such a piece of shit right?” he says. “It’s fine, like I said, just because you do nice things that doesn’t make you a good person. One day karma is gonna get us back for all this. Whatever this is, it’s done.” I say as I walk out. “I don’t believe in karma” you said as you close the door. Who needs him right? As I walk out of his neighborhood, I already know it’s a long walk but I love walks. I get my phone and my headphones and tune the entire world out. Music and walk are my dynamic duo. Whenever I get really stressed, I walk and listen to music. It’s basically the only thing that relaxes me. Just me and my thoughts. Was I really acting out? Was I overreacting? Can I really blame X completely? I mean I’m part to blame. As I’m passing the local iHop, I hear someone shouting my name. “Glend!” I hear. When I look to the left, it’s Ashley. She pulled over next to me. “Hey loser! Get in! I’ll give you a ride!” Well, at least I get a ride, right? “Thank you so much Ashley, I really appreciate it.” I say as I get in the car. “No worries, what are you doing all the way over here anyways?” she asked. Fuck what do I say? “My friend lives around here but she couldn’t give me a ride home so I just decided to walk.” I say. “Aw, what a shitty friend. You have to be more careful with who you hang around with. I’m always going to give you a ride because I’m such a great friend. Sooo…. did you think about the getty this weekend? You can sleepover if you want and we’ll go together. My mom always asks about you anyways so maybe she’ll finally shut the fuck up about it.” A getty doesn’t sound too bad actually. It’ll probably help distract me from all this bullshit. “Yeah, that actually sounds perfect. If you want, it’s tomorrow right? I’ll just take my clothes to school and sleepover.” I say. “Oh my god, yay! Okay, remind me how to get to your house again because I always forget.” Ashley is an awesome friend. Her personality is so bubbly and outgoing. She’s really smart and she has this charisma that she’ll always be the center of attention. To be honest, I wish I was as outspoken as her. “When you enter the complex, go all the way down and make the first right.” I say. “Okayyyy, we’re here.” she says. “Remember, take your clothes tomorrow. See ya!” She says as she drives off. I walk in to an empty trailer. My mom and her boyfriend probably went off to get their weekend started so at least I have the trailer to myself. I hop in the shower and I just can’t stop thinking about how complex men are. What’s the point of hooking up with men that can’t accept their sexuality? You see, men are bound to curiosity and that’s what leads them to trying to do sexual things with other men. I believe about 60% of men have done something sexually with other men. Where’d I get that number you ask? One year in high school, out of the 11 soccer players on the team, I’ve done something sexual with 6 that same year. It always starts off with “so how does gay sex feel like?” or “It’s just head right?” Many people blame the gay man for “manipulating” men but who blames the straight man for leading the gay man on? As long as men are curious, there will always be a need to fulfill that curiosity. X? You’re not curious though. You don’t fuck me, you make love to me. That’s what separates you from the rest. As I wash my hair, I can’t help but feel guilty for how I made you feel. Is this what it’s like to love? To bend your beliefs and morals when the other tells you to? I’m so unaccustomed to love I didn’t know what I felt for you. I dried myself , got comfortable and decided to watch some Netflix to let the time go by.  Once the sun sets, my stomach starts growling. Aw, shit I forgot to eat. I get up, change, put some shoes on and walk to the nearest Taco Bell to try to get some food. I feel like an idiot for walking after I’ve already showered but I’ll just shower again after I eat. I love walking at night, I’m passing by houses and I see families eating together. It gives me hope that one day I’ll have that. I’ll make it one day, I know I will. I cross a huge street and I’m finally at Taco Bell. As I walk in, I hear “Hey, you’re Glend right?” I look to my left and see a guy approaching me. “Yeah, I am. You’re Luis right?” I asked but I already knew who he was. Luis doesn’t go to my school, he goes to Mater Lakes (a school near mine). We have mutual friends and I follow his girlfriend on social media but him and I have never actually interacted so I don’t know why he’s trying to spark a conversation with me. “Yeah I am, you know my girl right?” You know I know her, idiot. “Yeah I do, we’ve been friends for a while. I’m actually super hungry, i’m just gonna get food and walk home really quickly so I’ll talk to you later” I say as I try to avoid as little conversation as possible. I’m just not really in the mood to interact with anyone right now. “Walk? No bro, I’ll take you. My girl will kill me if she knows I let you walk home. Get your food, let’s go I have my mom’s car.” he says. I don’t even understand what he’s doing by my house because he doesn’t even live around here. Fuck it, the faster I can just get home, the better. I order, pay and walk out with him. When I get in his car, he asks me to put my address in his GPS but I can tell he’s taking the long way. “How have you been?” he asks. Why are you trying to spark a stupid convo? Just take me home already. “I’ve been good, how are you?” I answer. “I’ve been good too bro, just stressed about a bunch of stuff but we’ll get through it right?” he says. What do you mean we? You’ll get through your own stuff. “Yeah let’s hope so. It’s not good to stress, everything in life has a solution, you just have to find it.” I say. Maybe with that he’ll just shut up. “Damn, you’re right…” We’re almost at my house when he turns to me and say’s, “So… do you know any good ways of relieving stress?” as he grabs my thigh. “Yeah I can think of some really good ways of stress relief, wanna try them?” I ask. Oh so this is why you wanted to take me home. “Yeah, I’m curious now..” Like I said, men will always be curious.

 

Down the rabbit hole:

Ever get the feeling that things are about to get bad? That things will never be the same? A knot in your stomach that just won’t go away? Yeah, me too….

 

Ashley’s grin let’s me know that it’s going to be good. “It’s Kevin.” She says. “Shut up, how do you know?!” I ask. This is some really good chisme. “Tell me everything!!” I beg. “Well, don’t tell anyone I told you but his mom and my mom are really good friends. We basically grew up together, his mom told my mom and my mom told me.” she says. “Ok but how does his mom and your mom know who Britney is?” I ask.   “Well, the only reason why they even know who Britney is because we used to be close to her in middle school. She’s always been like this. She can never stay faithful to a boyfriend. Any relationship she’s in is a joke haha. Anyways, I’m going to class so i’ll talk to you later but call me when you get home, there’s a getty this weekend and I really want to go!” she says as she rushes to class. She left me speechless. That was some goooood chisme. Well that’s a lot to think about. There’s a minute left to get to class so I try to rush as fast as I can. My school is basically one building with two floors and two small buildings outside so getting to class is pretty easy. If you’re late for class, it’s because you want to be. “Almost late Mr. Martinez!” my teacher says as I walk through the door. “Haha sir, almost but not this time!” I say as I walk in my class. I was almost the last one, I probably shouldn’t have listened to Ashley’s chisme. Today was a block period so I’m stuck in this class for two hours. Honestly, I couldn’t stop thinking about what Ashley told me. My teacher is lecturing but I can’t focus. I’m physically in class but mentally somewhere else. Kevin is beautiful, smart and talented. He’s on the soccer team and most girls want him. Don’t get me wrong, Kevin is beautiful but he’s no X. Actually, it’s funny because X and Kevin don’t even hang out with the same people. They’re on a completely different social spectrum. Wow Brit, they probably would never find out if it wasn’t for people like Ashley with big ass mouths.  The school day went by so fast, before I knew it it was over. My school has horrible reception so I usually get all my text messages when I walk outside. When I look, it’s my mom texting me. “Mijo, no hay comida en la casa. Trata de comer en la calle.” Well, I still have money from my failed valentine’s day dinner so I guess that’ll last me the weekend. “Mommy, ya comi. Te veo en la casa, te amo.” I try not to worry my mom. She’s been through a lot but sometimes I just wish I had a different life. When I walk out of school, I see parents picking up their kids and I can’t help but be envious. Why are these the hands I’m dealt with? Why can’t my mom text me that she’s going to be late instead of telling me there’s no food? I mean things can always be worse but sometimes I ask myself how much worse? Envy is probably my ugliest trait but sometimes I have to accept it, if not I’ll let the depression overcome me. I’d rather feel envy than sad, right? Right before I put my phone in my pocket, it vibrates and I already have a bad feeling. “Meet me in publix, at the cereal isle.” you said. Everything in me wants to tell you no. You just met your girlfriend’s parents, you’re supposed to be happy with her and honestly? After what Ashley told me how am I supposed to keep this secret from you? Every inch of my body is telling me to ignore you or to tell you no. “Alright, omw.” I say. Great, I caved like a fucking idiot. As I walk to publix, I’m just thinking of what to say to you. Publix is in the plaza next to my school so it doesn’t take long for me to get there but it does feel like forever with all the overthinking I’m doing. Now that I look back X, we met in so many public places before I have no idea how no one has noticed us. I walk into Publix and I feel the envy again. Some kids go to Publix after school with their parents to shop for groceries and I just wish I could do that. I pass cashiers and I hear siblings arguing over which candy their parents should buy and I hear the parents compromise. That must be such a beautiful feeling, to argue with siblings and compromise. When I get to the cereal isle, there you were X. God you’re so beautiful. I walk up to you and I see you looking at the Trix box. “Did you know Alice didn’t have to go down the rabbit hole? She chose to.” he said. “Ok so did you call me here to metaphorically tell me that I should just blindly follow you? Because you could’ve just texted me that” I said. You know, I may like you a lot but I’m not stupid. “Shut up, you’re being loud. No, my point is that everything in life is a choice. One choice can lead on an adventure and you wouldn’t even know it.” He said. “Yeah, one can lead to an adventure but another can lead to destruction. You never know until you’re there. Maybe, sometimes you should choose to not go down to avoid the risk” I say. X, you turned to me and said “Let’s go on an adventure, come on.” you said. We walked from publix and went to your car. I’m shocked you’re not worried about people seeing us go into the same car but I’m not going to bring it up. “My parents left for the weekend, I want to show you my house. Okay?” he says. “Sure, I don’t mind.” I say as we walk to his car. Truth be told, I said it nonchalantly but I’m screaming in my head. Me? Going to your house? Sure you just met Brit’s family but I could careless right now. That’s how I knew you were trouble, you did one kind gesture and it made me forget the pain you made me feel. As you drove, I couldn’t help but ask. “So I heard you met Britney’s parents. How was that? They’re nice right?” I ask sarcastically.  “Babe, don’t get jealous. You know it’s just an act. I’m sorry I didn’t hang with you yesterday but being with you on Valentine’s Day is a little sus. I have a surprise for you, just shut up.” You said. You grabbed my hand and kissed it. “You never have to worry about us.” You said. How could I not believe you? The feeling you gave me overcame every negative feeling I’ve ever felt. We get to your house and it’s beautiful. There’s family photos, beautiful furniture, and a huge tv. I can tell you probably never struggled financially. When I look at the dinner table, there’s a chipotle bowl with a cold soda on the side. “I figured you were hungry and I owe you a date.” You said. Wow, how can a man be this perfect? It’s like you knew I wasn’t going to have food at home. Maybe, you weren’t bad for me. Maybe, you’re my blessing in disguise. “I’m always going to be here for you. No matter what, okay?” you say as you grab and kiss me. A kiss filled with passion. God, I don’t know how to say no to you. This moment is pure perfection, you grab me and take me to the couch. “Here?” I ask. “Here and anywhere I want, you’re mine.” you say as you unbuckle your pants. “Don’t ever leave me.” you said. Soon, both of us are naked. I’m on top of you, feeling you, Tasting every bit of you. I am yours X, I can’t deny you. Is this what love is? “What was that?” you asked. “What do you mean?” I ask. “Someone’s knocking on my door, get off let me see.” I get off and he goes to the window. “Shit, someone is knocking.” you say as you run back to me. “Fuck, Glend put your clothes on, Britney’s here.”

 

Feels like Heaven, hurts like Hell

It’s as if the whole world is gone when I’m with you. No one else exists but me and you. Your skin is the softest skin I’ve ever touched X. Your touch is magical. Every kiss, every stroke, every grab has this passion to it.  This is only second time we’ve done this and you already know every inch of my body. How can I say no to you? From the very beginning X, you’ve felt like heaven. “Say you’re mine…” you whisper in my ear. “Say it… I want to hear you say it.” you say. “I’m yours, all yours…” I didn’t even hesitate. I’m not proud of it but X you knew from the beginning how vulnerable I was. I just wanted someone to be happy with. When you came you looked directly into my eyes and I saw a future filled with happiness. I’ve been searching for happiness my entire life. It sounds crazy, but I always knew our love was going to be great. I just didn’t know it was going to be filled with so much pain. “So now what?” I say as I put on my clothes. “Look Glend, I say a lot of shit, but I meant everything I said in this car. I’m not gay but there’s something about you. Even if I was gay, I wouldn’t know how to come out to my friends and family so this is the best I can offer for now. I’m barely touching her. You have me, all of me. All you have to do is be patient. Once I graduate, I want to move far away from this place. Maybe you can come too? I don’t know a lot has happened and I just want to take it one step at a time. I have to go but I’ll see you tomorrow at school.” You said. “I have a lot to think about but I’ll give it a chance.” As I opened the door, you leaned over and gave me one last kiss. “It’s okay, it’s all about effort.” you said. I smiled and went inside. As I laid on my couch, I couldn’t help but replay our moment over and over. “She’s just a cover up” you told me and I believed you. I’m not going to mess up my one shot of happiness with overthinking this. My life has had many ups and downs, maybe you’re a blessing in disguise.  Over the next weeks, you made my life easier X. You would take me home from school so I wouldn’t walk as much. You brought me food so I didn’t starve. You would take me to and from work with no hesitation. You would pay for haircuts and clothes. It’s not how much money you spent that made me love you, it’s that for the first time in life someone wants to spend money on me. It wasn’t a one way relationship either, I helped you with math. I gave you advice that helped fix your relationship with your parents. I showed you a world without drugs. I taught you empathy and how to be peaceful. I didn’t have much but I wanted to give you what I had. I thought if I gave you everything I had, I would get rewarded with the privilege of calling you mine. In the halls, I would see you with Britney but I didn’t care because I knew you were mine. She was so busy with her world she didn’t notice you. I felt less and less guilty everyday. When you would pick me up, you would ignore her calls. You never respected her and I wish I cared at the time. That was our life X, she gets you during the day but I get you at night. I thought everything was perfect until reality slapped me in the face. You see X, you were put in my path to teach me so many lessons and the first you taught me was to never get too comfortable. Valentine’s Day, 2013… I had the perfect night set out for us. I saved money and was going to invite you to Chili’s. I know it’s not much but it’s the best I could do at the time. I spent the entire day thinking that you were going to spend that night with me. When I got home, I called and no answer. No worries right? You’re probably just busy. 4:00? No answer. Then 5, 6, 7. After 8, I texted you to let you know that I have a surprise for you and to please call me. “Can’t hang tonight, eating with my girl. I’ll hit you up when I can.” And just like that, the perfect bubble was broken. I didn’t write anything back because I didn’t know what to really say. I had a whole night planned but what’s the point of doing stuff like that if we can’t even spend Valentine’s Day together. I fell asleep on my couch and thought to myself that this is probably just a bump in the road. That everything will be fine tomorrow. The next day, I woke up to no calls or texts from X. I got ready for school and was hoping that maybe I’d see you. I took the bus to school today since I didn’t spend any money last night. It felt like a regular day, the bus dropped me off at the bus stop and I got some breakfast before class. I was sitting on one of the tables and then I felt someone sit next to me. I thought it was you but when I looked it wasn’t you X, it was Britney. “Hey Glend, I really need someone to talk to, can I talk to you?” she asked. I was as shocked as can be. Do you think she knows about us? She went through your phone? X did you tell her what we did? “Of course, what’s up?” Apparently you met her parents last night and they loved you. Really X? On Valentine’s Day? How romantic. “He was amazing with them, my parents usually hate every guy I date so this is awesome. At first, we were super distant but now? Oh my god Glend, everything has been so different for the last like three weeks. He’s so happy. It was like a switch. Anyways, thanks for hearing me out. I know we aren’t that close but we have so many mutual friends that we might as well be bestfriends haha.” She said. Great, not only am I fucking this girl’s man but she also wants to be my bestfriend. “We might as well be, haha. I’m glad you guys are happy. Happiness isn’t easy to find!” I say. “Yeah. Are you talking to anyone? If not, don’t worry Glend, I have a gay friend who I think would be perfect for you! I want you to be as happy as I am.” Wow why don’t you just shoot me in the face? I’m sure that’ll hurt less. The pain of smiling with your girlfriend as she tells me how happy you two are is a pain I didn’t think was imaginable. X, this pain hurts like hell. “I’m not really looking for someone right now Britney, I’m talking to someone actually.” I say. I wish I could tell Britney that her man was tasting every inch of my skin 24 hours before he met her parents but I won’t let this anger overcome me. “Oh my god, that’s awesome! Let’s do a double date soon.” Yeah, X will just sit in the middle of the table. God this is so ridiculous, I swear I’m never going through this again. The bell rung so this is a perfect excuse to leave. “Well, I’m going to class Glend, let me know when you want to go.” Britney said as she got up and left. “Haha ok I will.” I stayed for a few more minutes and then I hear “What were you talking to Britney about?” I look up and its Ashley. “Good morning to you too Ashley, she was telling me how happy she is in her relationship.” Feels stupid to say but why the fuck do you care bitch? “Relationship? Pfft. Stupid, I know who’s she’s cheating on her man with. She’s little hoe. Let’s go Glend, we’re going to be late for class.” Ashley and I got really close this year. But Britney? Oh you sneaky bitch. As we’re walking into the building, Ashley couldn’t help herself. “You know who she’s cheating on him with?” She asks. Oh now she has my attention. “Who?” I ask.  She stops and turns to me with the biggest grin. She opens her mouth and says “It’s…”

Birds of a feather:

I can’t believe how stupid I was. I shouldn’t have agreed to meet up with you. If I knew what I know now, I could’ve avoided so much pain. I walked into class and overheard two girls talking about you. “Yeah, he’s going out with Britney.” they said. “They’re really cute.” I was actually jealous. Is she a cover up? Did you have the connection we had? How long after we had sex did you speak to her? I always wondered why her and not me. The girls kept gossiping. Apparently you hooked up with her at a party during winter break and you two have been inseparable ever since. Not that you owe me any explanation X but I was so confused. The frustrating part of this entire situation is that I have no one to lean on or ask for advice. Just me and my thoughts battling against each other. Maybe that’s why you got away with so much. The day went by fast and before I knew it, the bell was ringing for lunch. I rushed out of my last period and hoped I wouldn’t bump into you. I always tried to eat school lunch because I never knew if I had any food waiting for me at home. I rushed to the front of the food line and there you were. See, life has a funny way of humbling someone, it purposely puts the person you least want to see in your path. I wish I would of known you were no good for me. I stood in line and you were 3 people ahead of me. You got food, turned around and saw me. We looked at each other for 5 seconds. The eye contact we made told me you felt bad about the situation. X, I could read you like a book since the beginning. “Next!” The lunch lady said. I turned to walk up and when I look back, you’re already walking away. That’s what you do X, you just walk away. You can never confront anything head on. “Thank you so much.” I tell the lunch lady. “Child, you’re the only one thankful for this food.” Yeah I barely have food at home dumbass. “Yeah it’s really good haha.” I punch my lunch number in and walk to the back of the school. My friends and I usually ate outside. I sat and just started eating. I remember how quiet I was during lunch. No one seemed to notice but no one usually noticed when I was going through anything. Not that I’m anyone’s responsibility but it would still feel nice to be noticed. Before I knew it, the bell was ringing to go back to class. “Glend, do you still want to come to my house after school?” a friend asked. “I’ll definitely let you know but probably not haha” I said. I hated going to a friends house because I was always very envious. I hated seeing people with families get along because all I really ever had was my mom. Sometimes, when I would go to a friend’s house I would imagine that I’m part of their family. That I was the youngest brother and that I was spoiled. I loved seeing people’s rooms because I never had a room growing up, so I would imagine how my room would look in their house. My mom didn’t have a car, so going to a friends house made it difficult for me to go home.  I never met someone who had a similar life to me. Everyone around me had a family and that’s the one thing I’ve always wanted. The rest of the day went by faster than the first half and before I knew it I was already on my way home. My favorite activity is walking. I can walk for miles, I’ve in fact walked home from work when I would miss the bus. I also love seeing houses because I picture what my family would be like. My imaginary family is a dad who’s a lawyer and a mom who’s a therapist. I have three older siblings (two sisters and one brother) and we all are very good at math. My whole family went to my high school and are very well known and respected. I’m the baby so they always protect me. On Fridays, we always order pizza and we fight a lot but we love each other at the end of the day. We take a family vacation every year and every 18th birthday we get our first car. I would play scenarios in my head that I come out to my family and that they all love me. My house is about two miles from my school so I got to do a bunch of imagining. My school finishes at 2:20 and it takes me about an hour to get home. The trailer park that I live in isn’t bad, actually it’s been one of my favorite homes. It has a pool and all the other trailers look cute. My trailer was the only ugly one on the block. My mom and I would only live in half of it because the other half was pretty much destroyed. In my trailer, I slept on the couch while my mom and her boyfriend slept in the room.  I despised coming home because it never really felt like home. It just felt like I was bouncing from spot to spot. “Hola mama, como estas?” I say as I walk in. “Bien mijo gracias, mira te deje comida si tienes hambre.” I put my book bag down and look for my charger. I knew my mother hadn’t ate and I also knew it was the only plate of food we had left that she was offering. “No mama, ya comi mis amigas me compraron comida si lo quieres.” She look relieved and went to the kitchen. It looks like her stupid boyfriend isn’t here. “Jose ya viene?” I ask. “No, viene mas tarde todavia esta trabajando.” My mom’s boyfriend was never a father figure to me. In fact, I hate him. He’s just a drunk who kept my mom happy half of the time. The other half, he was either beating her or me. I think that’s why you and I worked out so well X, you’re the only person in the world that knows everything about me. Before I knew it, it was already night time. My mom and her boyfriend had already fallen asleep. I was watching tv until I felt my phone vibrate.  At the time, I had completely forgotten about you until you texted me. “Hey you busy?” you asked. “No, what did you want to talk about?” I replied. It’s probably to reassure me that you’re not gay. I’ve known I was gay for as long as I could remember but guys who are in the closet are the worst. They have to constantly reassure themselves that they’re not gay because they feel like being gay is the worst thing in the world. I was waiting for a big paragraph explaining how it was a slip up and if I tell anyone you’re going to beat the shit out of me. “Are you home?” you asked. “Yeah, I am. Why?” I sighed because I just want to get this over with. X, we had sex once, it’s not that big of a deal. I was going to write that but I just wanted to be done with this conversation. I’ve had sex with plenty of straight guys and it just happens and we never talk about it again. I didn’t understand why you were dragging this on. “Ok perfect, I’m outside.” you said. Outside? My house? I peaked through the window and there you were. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth just to make sure I didn’t have bad breath. Since I wouldn’t eat much, my breath was always pretty bad if I didn’t constantly brush my teeth. I looked in the mirror I remember asking myself what the hell you wanted. I went outside and the passenger door was unlocked. I came in and you looked relaxed. We sat in silence for about a minute.  “Look, I’m not going to tell your girlfriend about what ha..” you kissed me again and I couldn’t help but to kiss you back. “I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you. I just didn’t know what to tell you. I went to a getty, got drunk and Britney was just there. To be honest, I haven’t been able to get you off my mind. There’s just something about you, you’re like no one I’ve ever met before.” There it was. See when someone is so desperately searching for love, they accept any kind of love. I didn’t know any better. Of course, you didn’t know that. “You have a girlfriend, if I do this, what does that say about me? About this? It’s all bullshit and you know it. I know Britney, I’ve had classes with her, gone to her house and even gone to parties with her. I’ll be the biggest piece of shit if I do this.” I said as I looked into your eyes X “If you’re shit, then I’m shit. Birds of a feather flock together. Forget my girlfriend, I don’t even cum when I fuck her. She’s just there so no one suspects anything. Just please let’s keep this going. Just don’t tell anyone and I’m yours.” Mine? All mine? I’ve never had anyone before. X, you knew exactly what to say. “Let me be yours please…” You said. I felt like I had no choice. “Park the car.” As you were parking, your phone was ringing. You take it out and we see that it’s Britney calling. “Aren’t you going to answer?” I ask. “Fuck that bitch, I’m not leaving until I’m done with you.” you said as you took me to the backseat. I guess I am shit.