I can’t believe how stupid I was. I shouldn’t have agreed to meet up with you. If I knew what I know now, I could’ve avoided so much pain. I walked into class and overheard two girls talking about you. “Yeah, he’s going out with Britney.” they said. “They’re really cute.” I was actually jealous. Is she a cover up? Did you have the connection we had? How long after we had sex did you speak to her? I always wondered why her and not me. The girls kept gossiping. Apparently you hooked up with her at a party during winter break and you two have been inseparable ever since. Not that you owe me any explanation X but I was so confused. The frustrating part of this entire situation is that I have no one to lean on or ask for advice. Just me and my thoughts battling against each other. Maybe that’s why you got away with so much. The day went by fast and before I knew it, the bell was ringing for lunch. I rushed out of my last period and hoped I wouldn’t bump into you. I always tried to eat school lunch because I never knew if I had any food waiting for me at home. I rushed to the front of the food line and there you were. See, life has a funny way of humbling someone, it purposely puts the person you least want to see in your path. I wish I would of known you were no good for me. I stood in line and you were 3 people ahead of me. You got food, turned around and saw me. We looked at each other for 5 seconds. The eye contact we made told me you felt bad about the situation. X, I could read you like a book since the beginning. “Next!” The lunch lady said. I turned to walk up and when I look back, you’re already walking away. That’s what you do X, you just walk away. You can never confront anything head on. “Thank you so much.” I tell the lunch lady. “Child, you’re the only one thankful for this food.” Yeah I barely have food at home dumbass. “Yeah it’s really good haha.” I punch my lunch number in and walk to the back of the school. My friends and I usually ate outside. I sat and just started eating. I remember how quiet I was during lunch. No one seemed to notice but no one usually noticed when I was going through anything. Not that I’m anyone’s responsibility but it would still feel nice to be noticed. Before I knew it, the bell was ringing to go back to class. “Glend, do you still want to come to my house after school?” a friend asked. “I’ll definitely let you know but probably not haha” I said. I hated going to a friends house because I was always very envious. I hated seeing people with families get along because all I really ever had was my mom. Sometimes, when I would go to a friend’s house I would imagine that I’m part of their family. That I was the youngest brother and that I was spoiled. I loved seeing people’s rooms because I never had a room growing up, so I would imagine how my room would look in their house. My mom didn’t have a car, so going to a friends house made it difficult for me to go home. I never met someone who had a similar life to me. Everyone around me had a family and that’s the one thing I’ve always wanted. The rest of the day went by faster than the first half and before I knew it I was already on my way home. My favorite activity is walking. I can walk for miles, I’ve in fact walked home from work when I would miss the bus. I also love seeing houses because I picture what my family would be like. My imaginary family is a dad who’s a lawyer and a mom who’s a therapist. I have three older siblings (two sisters and one brother) and we all are very good at math. My whole family went to my high school and are very well known and respected. I’m the baby so they always protect me. On Fridays, we always order pizza and we fight a lot but we love each other at the end of the day. We take a family vacation every year and every 18th birthday we get our first car. I would play scenarios in my head that I come out to my family and that they all love me. My house is about two miles from my school so I got to do a bunch of imagining. My school finishes at 2:20 and it takes me about an hour to get home. The trailer park that I live in isn’t bad, actually it’s been one of my favorite homes. It has a pool and all the other trailers look cute. My trailer was the only ugly one on the block. My mom and I would only live in half of it because the other half was pretty much destroyed. In my trailer, I slept on the couch while my mom and her boyfriend slept in the room. I despised coming home because it never really felt like home. It just felt like I was bouncing from spot to spot. “Hola mama, como estas?” I say as I walk in. “Bien mijo gracias, mira te deje comida si tienes hambre.” I put my book bag down and look for my charger. I knew my mother hadn’t ate and I also knew it was the only plate of food we had left that she was offering. “No mama, ya comi mis amigas me compraron comida si lo quieres.” She look relieved and went to the kitchen. It looks like her stupid boyfriend isn’t here. “Jose ya viene?” I ask. “No, viene mas tarde todavia esta trabajando.” My mom’s boyfriend was never a father figure to me. In fact, I hate him. He’s just a drunk who kept my mom happy half of the time. The other half, he was either beating her or me. I think that’s why you and I worked out so well X, you’re the only person in the world that knows everything about me. Before I knew it, it was already night time. My mom and her boyfriend had already fallen asleep. I was watching tv until I felt my phone vibrate. At the time, I had completely forgotten about you until you texted me. “Hey you busy?” you asked. “No, what did you want to talk about?” I replied. It’s probably to reassure me that you’re not gay. I’ve known I was gay for as long as I could remember but guys who are in the closet are the worst. They have to constantly reassure themselves that they’re not gay because they feel like being gay is the worst thing in the world. I was waiting for a big paragraph explaining how it was a slip up and if I tell anyone you’re going to beat the shit out of me. “Are you home?” you asked. “Yeah, I am. Why?” I sighed because I just want to get this over with. X, we had sex once, it’s not that big of a deal. I was going to write that but I just wanted to be done with this conversation. I’ve had sex with plenty of straight guys and it just happens and we never talk about it again. I didn’t understand why you were dragging this on. “Ok perfect, I’m outside.” you said. Outside? My house? I peaked through the window and there you were. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth just to make sure I didn’t have bad breath. Since I wouldn’t eat much, my breath was always pretty bad if I didn’t constantly brush my teeth. I looked in the mirror I remember asking myself what the hell you wanted. I went outside and the passenger door was unlocked. I came in and you looked relaxed. We sat in silence for about a minute. “Look, I’m not going to tell your girlfriend about what ha..” you kissed me again and I couldn’t help but to kiss you back. “I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you. I just didn’t know what to tell you. I went to a getty, got drunk and Britney was just there. To be honest, I haven’t been able to get you off my mind. There’s just something about you, you’re like no one I’ve ever met before.” There it was. See when someone is so desperately searching for love, they accept any kind of love. I didn’t know any better. Of course, you didn’t know that. “You have a girlfriend, if I do this, what does that say about me? About this? It’s all bullshit and you know it. I know Britney, I’ve had classes with her, gone to her house and even gone to parties with her. I’ll be the biggest piece of shit if I do this.” I said as I looked into your eyes X “If you’re shit, then I’m shit. Birds of a feather flock together. Forget my girlfriend, I don’t even cum when I fuck her. She’s just there so no one suspects anything. Just please let’s keep this going. Just don’t tell anyone and I’m yours.” Mine? All mine? I’ve never had anyone before. X, you knew exactly what to say. “Let me be yours please…” You said. I felt like I had no choice. “Park the car.” As you were parking, your phone was ringing. You take it out and we see that it’s Britney calling. “Aren’t you going to answer?” I ask. “Fuck that bitch, I’m not leaving until I’m done with you.” you said as you took me to the backseat. I guess I am shit.
Now that I have your attention, I’m going to start from the very beginning. To the very first time I saw you. I was a junior in high school when I first met you. The year was 2012. I was walking in the hallways of my high school before winter break. As I walked up the stairs of my school’s central plaza, there you were. Your eyes were as light as the sun. Your smile can light up the darkest of rooms. You were always dressed nicely and always had a haircut. I had been around you before but never spoke to you. “Hey, you’re do virtual school right?” you asked. “Uh yeah, I do what’s up?” I usually don’t get nervous when speaking to guys but there was something about you. At the time, I was extremely poor. My mom couldn’t maintain me so I tried to find other ways of making money. I had just turned 17 so I got my first job at Hollister. I have always been eager to work. “Do you think you could do mine? It’s just Spanish.” you asked. You reached in your pocket and took out a $20 bill and said “Here, buy some lunch and think about it. When you make a decision, text me.” At the time, I didn’t think much of it. I took the money and wasn’t even thinking of doing the virtual to be honest. I worked most of winter break because my store really needed me. The day after Christmas, I got a text from you. “Hey, I’m not one to beg but I really need your help. Please.” No one has ever really needed my help so desperately before so I decided to help you. I did a chapter worth of assignments in one night and told you about it the next day. “bro seriously you’re a life saver thank you!! I’m gonna pass by and drop off some money, is that cool?” My mom and I hadn’t ate that day so the money would really help. “Yeah that’s fine here’s my address….” It took you thirty minutes and then you said “Outside.” I tried to freshen up but there’s not really much a guy could do. I used to live in a trailer park so I was hesitant to even give you my address. I went outside, approached your window and said “hey” very awkwardly. Every time I would take money from someone for doing their virtual I would feel so poor. I always felt bad doing it. “Here bro, thank you for your help, here’s $50.” I was screaming on the inside. “Omg, thank you I super appreciate this, I’m like starving.” I said nervously. “You wanna get something to eat with me? I have nothing to do.” I thought it about it for a few seconds. To this day, I still regret what I said. “Yeah let’s do it, let me just tell my mom.” I go back in my trailer, tell my mom I’m going to eat with a friend and then I came back out. I got in your car and I was so nervous. I’m usually very outgoing and outspoken but I don’t what it was that made me so nervous around you. There was a chipotle a few streets down from where I lived so I thought it would be quick. We didn’t talk much in the car. We just kept making eye contact. “You wanna eat inside?” You asked. “Yeah sure.” I said. I thought it would be quick and simple. “Do you smoke?” You asked. “Haha no, I suck at smoking actually.” I really do lol. I can’t smoke till this day. “Woah, I’ve never met someone who sucks at smoking. That’s pretty cute.” We were passing a local taco bell when you said that. I turned to look at you to make sure I heard correctly and then I said “Thank you.” I know I was blushing but I tried my best to hide it. “So what do you do for fun?” I asked as we were entering the chipotle plaza. “I guess normal stuff, movies, video games, I really like music and art. I really like school too it’s just I can’t do the virtual learning that’s why I’m really happy you’re doing my class. What about you?” I didn’t really ask for all that lol but ok. “I like the same I guess, I love school. I want to be really successful one day. I want to be able to take care of me and my mom.” I remember how shocked you looked. “That’s really beautiful. I’ve heard a lot of bad things about you but you seem like a really nice guy.” I’ve figured as much but what can I do about what other’s say about me? We go inside and we wait in line. The entire time we keep making eye contact with each other. It’s this tension I can’t explain but I know you felt it too. We order our food, as we get to the front you tell the cashier “oh his bowl too.” I was shocked. “I can pay for my own bowl I don’t need you to buy me anything.” “Well you don’t get to tell me what I can and can’t do. So let’s eat, what do you want to drink?” You asked. We sat, ate and talked. Turns out we had so many similarities. We had the same taste in music and movies. You even liked Naruto, even though you watch it dubbed. You clean your room the same way I do (you start by making a bigger mess) and you also loved chipotle. You hated that I loved soda but I hated that you loved water. We finished and then before I know it you were dropping me off home. As we got to my house, I could see all my lights were off so everyone was sleeping. “Ok good night and thank you so much. This is actually the most fun I’ve had in a long ti..” And you grabbed me and kissed me. Didn’t even let me finish my sentence. I reacted immediately. It felt like second nature. The feeling I’ve been searching for my whole life. “Park in my drive way” I said. You parked and we went to the back of your car. That was the first time you and I had sex. It was hot and passionate. You last about 30 minutes and I usually hate car sex. When we were done, I laughed and said “ok well good night…” You looked up and told me “yeah just don’t tell anyone about this please. I’ve never done this before.” I could tell you were lying but I went along with. “Yeah don’t worry about it.. I won’t say anything.” I went inside and thought it would be the end of it. I’ll admit it, I couldn’t stop thinking of you. Every time a “straight” guy has sex with me, I’m use to just brushing it off like it never happened. You didn’t speak to me the rest of winter break. I would log in and check your assignments and they weren’t complete. It bothered me a lot because I felt our personalities really clicked. To be honest, I should have known you were trouble from the get. I remember getting ready for school after winter break. I remember hoping to bump into you. I remember walking to class and seeing you. There you were X, walking the halls. You, with the eyes like the sun and smile that was so bright. I remember who’s hand you were holding as you passed right by me. I remember the eye contact we made as you walked by. Apparently you have a girlfriend now. In fact, I’m actually very good friends with your girlfriend. I could see how happy she was to be with you. To this day, I regret all we did and all the lives we hurt. I should have known you were trouble. I stood there and felt a vibrate in my pocket. It was a message from you. “Can we talk in person later?” it read. “Sure” I said.
Hey! My name is Glend Martinez. I’m a 24 year old gay man living in Miami, Fl. The reason I’m writing these posts is because I feel like I’ve been carrying a burden around for many years. Every time I try to start this blog up, I get harassed and threatened but I’m not scared anymore. In fact, I own this domain. To the people I’ve hurt, lied to and backstabbed, I apologize. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t want to become a better man. I work hard every day to try to make up my mistakes. I feel like this blog is going to help me grow and truthfully, I hope it does. And to X, our love is one of the greatest loves I’ve ever known. No one on earth compares to you. I want to write about it to show the world what we’ve been hiding. I hope you all enjoy. Any questions, feel free to message me!