What Goes Up, Must Come Down:

“There will never be a love like your first love and I think that confuses a lot of us. It doesn’t necessarily mean you will never love someone as much as them, but it will never be the same. Some are lucky enough to stay with their first love but for the most part, one doesn’t end up with their first love. Your first love sets the foundation for all your following relationships. Your first love is a drug and that’s why most of us are addicted to love. X, loving you is such a high and I never wanna come down…..”

January 2013 was when things first began to change & we started getting more serious than I was used to. For the entire month, I got into this routine. Wake up, go to school, come home, do my homework, get picked up by X and then get my brains fucked out by X. If I wasn’t waking up for school, I was waking up for work. Either way, I was getting picked up and fucked by X. It also wasn’t just sex; our emotional connection grew so much more. Every day, we talked for hours just like our first encounter. Sometimes, we’d spend the whole night driving around and talking. I showed him Favtrai, the houses I imagined I lived in, the made-up scenarios that motivate me. I even went as far as to tell him my relationship with my mom. I never tell anyone how I live at home because I don’t want to be judged. Honestly, it felt great telling someone the truth. It’s a weight I’m constantly holding on top of my shoulders and he didn’t seem to judge me at all. He also made sure the sharing was mutual by telling me about his family and his dreams. 

Every family has their ups and downs, but his family seemed pretty normal for the most part. Caring mom, overprotective dad and annoying siblings. Usually, when someone tells me their family life, I get a sense of envy but not with him. His family wants him to go to college and become an accountant, but he doesn’t really see himself doing that. There are so many fun facts about him and I was falling in love with them all. X loves clothes and says he would love to be a designer one day. He wears something black in every outfit. He loves dogs and hates cats. He hates large crowds but loves concerts. He hates avocados but loves guacamole. It’s confusing to everyone but me. He’s a walking contradiction and I feel like I’m the only one who understands him. There’s definitely much more to X than what meets the eye. The month of January was so perfect it felt like a dream. I was really starting to see a future with him.

“You seem really happy Glend.” Monica notes as she organizes the colognes and perfumes. “Really? Haha, I’m glad my happiness is noticeable.” I respond with a smile while clocking in. “Ahh, that smile. I’m pretty sure you’re in love. Well, best of luck to you two. He’s a very lucky guy” She mentions. I think to myself, I can’t believe you can tell someone is in love just by a smile, that’s insane. “Thank you Monica, you’ve made my day.” I say with a grin. Today is Saturday, February 2nd, 2013 and since it’s the first Saturday of the month, my store has to reorganize all the clothes to make space for our new shipment. Luckily, I’m a cashier so I just have to make sure to ring people out as fast as possible. The day goes by so quickly that before I knew it, my shift was over. I clock out and wait in the breakroom. I can’t wait to see X. “Hey, I’m out, are you still coming to get me?” I text him. Not a minute passes and I get a quick response. “I’ll be there in 15 minutes babe, I’ll let you know when I’m outside,” he says. Just like that, I feel butterflies all over my stomach. I can’t believe he just called me babe. “Ok thank you babe” I write back. Honestly, having him call me babe is such a rewarding feeling. It’s something I’ve been looking for my entire life. Not being some secret sex toy but another man’s “Babe” It was all surreal. He said he’ll be here in 15 minutes so I might as well start heading out and wait for him at our spot. As I walk towards the exit of the store, Monica yells from behind the cashier. “Bye Glend, have fun tonight…but not too much fun! Haha” she says with a laugh. I turn around, wave “Bye Monica, good luck with all the inventory, I’ll try not to!” I respond with a devilish grin and walk out of the store. 

As I pass by a bunch of people in the mall, I can’t help but wonder if they can all see how truly happy and in love I am. I’ll be honest, this is the first time I’ve ever felt like this about a guy. Guys usually only use me to fuck and I normally don’t mind but X fucks me while having a true emotional connection with me. He’s gotten to know a side of me that I never even thought existed. He’s making me more vulnerable with his nonsexual acts of affection than the sexual ones. I’m so used to guys acting all weird after we hook up that having something normal wasn’t even something I expected and now I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Once I reach our spot, he’s already waiting for me. He usually picks me up in an empty parking lot so no one really sees but I don’t mind. I know we have to be careful but it’s still such an amazing feeling to have your man waiting to pick you up. I get in the car and immediately give him a kiss. “Well hi to you too, how was work babe?” he asks. “Work was awesome, we’re replenishing the floor so I have to be quick with ringing people out. The day just flies by” I respond. “Damn, that must be hectic but I’m sure you got this. My baby can do anything.” He mentions smoothly as I blush and he begins to drive me home. On the way to my house, I ask him for a phone charger and he informs me to look in his glove compartment. “It’s way too dark.” I announce as I turn on the light. I look for less than two minutes and finally find it.  “Did you find it?” he asks. “Yeah I did, thanks babe.” I respond as I reach to turn off the light. In less than a second, I find something unusual about his neck. I’m pissed.

 “What’s that on your neck?” I ask. “What’s on my neck?” he questions back in a very serious tone. “That’s a hickey” I reply. “Are you sure it’s a hickey?” he asks. “Well, I’m not fucking stupid and I know what a hickey looks like. Of course it’s a hickey.” I rudely respond. “Alright calm down, you don’t have to curse at me. You probably gave it to me. What’s the big deal?” he remarks. I can feel myself become boiling with anger. “Don’t tell me to calm down. I don’t give you hickeys, I know that wasn’t me. Who gave you fucking a hickey?” I snap back as we reach our exit. He’s silent for two minutes then turns to me and responds “Britney gave it to me, I’m sorry.” As he stares at me, tears start streaming down his face. Once he says that, my perfect happy bubble is popped and I’m immediately humbled. 

I take a few moments to gather my thoughts and calmly ask him “Please keep your eyes on the road, I want to get home safely. If you’re only fucking me, how did she give you a hickey?” He continues to drive but he begins crying hysterically. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. It happened one time and I didn’t even finish, I swear. I didn’t want to bring it up to you because I didn’t want to hurt you. Please believe me baby. I’m such a fuck up, I fuck everything up!” he yells. Honestly, I sit there for the rest of the car ride watching his breakdown and I can’t help but judge him. He’s really going to start crying and make a show simply because he got caught? That’s so stupid and unattractive. He looks like a child in a supermarket. Had I not caught him, he wouldn’t feel like such a fuck up. This act is transparent and I’m not falling for it. I’m silent the rest of the car ride. Once we finally reach my house, I take a deep breath and finally respond “I’ll be honest, I don’t really believe you. I’m hurt but I should’ve expected something like this was going to happen. It was somewhat inevitable. I’m done.” I say while keeping my composure and holding back my tears. This hurts more than anything I’ve ever experienced but I can’t let him see me weak. He grabs my hands and says “We were doing so perfect babe, please don’t leave me. Please, I’m sorry I’m a fuck up I know, it will never happen again.” He pleads. 

Honestly, 99% of me wants to forgive him but that 1% doesn’t let me. I need to set some respect for myself. “I know you have a girlfriend and I agreed to keep seeing you but you were the one who told me that you weren’t fucking her. Not only that, when I caught you with the hickey, you tried to make it seem like I gave it to you. You tried manipulating me. I honestly thought I knew you but I clearly don’t. I’m sorry we’re done.” I bark back as I snatch my hand out of his and step out of his car. As I walk away, I hear him punching his steering wheel. Whenever a man is guilty of something, he punches his steering wheel. Side note, that should be one of Newton’s Laws. I open the door and luckily no one is home. I put my bag down and began laying on my couch. While I was in the car, I was holding the tears back but now that I’m home, I feel nothing. I’m completely numb. I stare at the ceiling and try to process what just happened. This morning, X and I were together and now we’re not. Why would he hurt me? What else has he lied about? How many times did he actually fuck her? So many questions are circulating my brain. It all seems like a cruel joke. I can’t help but wonder if I deserve this. I hate Britney but she has no fault in this, she’s completely innocent. I’m the antagonist who’s ruining their relationship. I probably do deserve this. As I lay on my couch, the numbness overcomes my entire body. I lay there alone and numb in a sea of regret.

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Just a gay boy expressing his chronicles....

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