Down the rabbit hole:

Ever get the feeling that things are about to get bad? That things will never be the same? A knot in your stomach that just won’t go away? Yeah, me too….


Ashley’s grin let’s me know that it’s going to be good. “It’s Kevin.” She says. “Shut up, how do you know?!” I ask. This is some really good chisme. “Tell me everything!!” I beg. “Well, don’t tell anyone I told you but his mom and my mom are really good friends. We basically grew up together, his mom told my mom and my mom told me.” she says. “Ok but how does his mom and your mom know who Britney is?” I ask.   “Well, the only reason why they even know who Britney is because we used to be close to her in middle school. She’s always been like this. She can never stay faithful to a boyfriend. Any relationship she’s in is a joke haha. Anyways, I’m going to class so i’ll talk to you later but call me when you get home, there’s a getty this weekend and I really want to go!” she says as she rushes to class. She left me speechless. That was some goooood chisme. Well that’s a lot to think about. There’s a minute left to get to class so I try to rush as fast as I can. My school is basically one building with two floors and two small buildings outside so getting to class is pretty easy. If you’re late for class, it’s because you want to be. “Almost late Mr. Martinez!” my teacher says as I walk through the door. “Haha sir, almost but not this time!” I say as I walk in my class. I was almost the last one, I probably shouldn’t have listened to Ashley’s chisme. Today was a block period so I’m stuck in this class for two hours. Honestly, I couldn’t stop thinking about what Ashley told me. My teacher is lecturing but I can’t focus. I’m physically in class but mentally somewhere else. Kevin is beautiful, smart and talented. He’s on the soccer team and most girls want him. Don’t get me wrong, Kevin is beautiful but he’s no X. Actually, it’s funny because X and Kevin don’t even hang out with the same people. They’re on a completely different social spectrum. Wow Brit, they probably would never find out if it wasn’t for people like Ashley with big ass mouths.  The school day went by so fast, before I knew it it was over. My school has horrible reception so I usually get all my text messages when I walk outside. When I look, it’s my mom texting me. “Mijo, no hay comida en la casa. Trata de comer en la calle.” Well, I still have money from my failed valentine’s day dinner so I guess that’ll last me the weekend. “Mommy, ya comi. Te veo en la casa, te amo.” I try not to worry my mom. She’s been through a lot but sometimes I just wish I had a different life. When I walk out of school, I see parents picking up their kids and I can’t help but be envious. Why are these the hands I’m dealt with? Why can’t my mom text me that she’s going to be late instead of telling me there’s no food? I mean things can always be worse but sometimes I ask myself how much worse? Envy is probably my ugliest trait but sometimes I have to accept it, if not I’ll let the depression overcome me. I’d rather feel envy than sad, right? Right before I put my phone in my pocket, it vibrates and I already have a bad feeling. “Meet me in publix, at the cereal isle.” you said. Everything in me wants to tell you no. You just met your girlfriend’s parents, you’re supposed to be happy with her and honestly? After what Ashley told me how am I supposed to keep this secret from you? Every inch of my body is telling me to ignore you or to tell you no. “Alright, omw.” I say. Great, I caved like a fucking idiot. As I walk to publix, I’m just thinking of what to say to you. Publix is in the plaza next to my school so it doesn’t take long for me to get there but it does feel like forever with all the overthinking I’m doing. Now that I look back X, we met in so many public places before I have no idea how no one has noticed us. I walk into Publix and I feel the envy again. Some kids go to Publix after school with their parents to shop for groceries and I just wish I could do that. I pass cashiers and I hear siblings arguing over which candy their parents should buy and I hear the parents compromise. That must be such a beautiful feeling, to argue with siblings and compromise. When I get to the cereal isle, there you were X. God you’re so beautiful. I walk up to you and I see you looking at the Trix box. “Did you know Alice didn’t have to go down the rabbit hole? She chose to.” he said. “Ok so did you call me here to metaphorically tell me that I should just blindly follow you? Because you could’ve just texted me that” I said. You know, I may like you a lot but I’m not stupid. “Shut up, you’re being loud. No, my point is that everything in life is a choice. One choice can lead on an adventure and you wouldn’t even know it.” He said. “Yeah, one can lead to an adventure but another can lead to destruction. You never know until you’re there. Maybe, sometimes you should choose to not go down to avoid the risk” I say. X, you turned to me and said “Let’s go on an adventure, come on.” you said. We walked from publix and went to your car. I’m shocked you’re not worried about people seeing us go into the same car but I’m not going to bring it up. “My parents left for the weekend, I want to show you my house. Okay?” he says. “Sure, I don’t mind.” I say as we walk to his car. Truth be told, I said it nonchalantly but I’m screaming in my head. Me? Going to your house? Sure you just met Brit’s family but I could careless right now. That’s how I knew you were trouble, you did one kind gesture and it made me forget the pain you made me feel. As you drove, I couldn’t help but ask. “So I heard you met Britney’s parents. How was that? They’re nice right?” I ask sarcastically.  “Babe, don’t get jealous. You know it’s just an act. I’m sorry I didn’t hang with you yesterday but being with you on Valentine’s Day is a little sus. I have a surprise for you, just shut up.” You said. You grabbed my hand and kissed it. “You never have to worry about us.” You said. How could I not believe you? The feeling you gave me overcame every negative feeling I’ve ever felt. We get to your house and it’s beautiful. There’s family photos, beautiful furniture, and a huge tv. I can tell you probably never struggled financially. When I look at the dinner table, there’s a chipotle bowl with a cold soda on the side. “I figured you were hungry and I owe you a date.” You said. Wow, how can a man be this perfect? It’s like you knew I wasn’t going to have food at home. Maybe, you weren’t bad for me. Maybe, you’re my blessing in disguise. “I’m always going to be here for you. No matter what, okay?” you say as you grab and kiss me. A kiss filled with passion. God, I don’t know how to say no to you. This moment is pure perfection, you grab me and take me to the couch. “Here?” I ask. “Here and anywhere I want, you’re mine.” you say as you unbuckle your pants. “Don’t ever leave me.” you said. Soon, both of us are naked. I’m on top of you, feeling you, Tasting every bit of you. I am yours X, I can’t deny you. Is this what love is? “What was that?” you asked. “What do you mean?” I ask. “Someone’s knocking on my door, get off let me see.” I get off and he goes to the window. “Shit, someone is knocking.” you say as you run back to me. “Fuck, Glend put your clothes on, Britney’s here.”


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Just a gay boy expressing his chronicles....

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