Feels like Heaven, hurts like Hell

It’s as if the whole world is gone when I’m with you. No one else exists but me and you. Your skin is the softest skin I’ve ever touched X. Your touch is magical. Every kiss, every stroke, every grab has this passion to it.  This is only second time we’ve done this and you already know every inch of my body. How can I say no to you? From the very beginning X, you’ve felt like heaven. “Say you’re mine…” you whisper in my ear. “Say it… I want to hear you say it.” you say. “I’m yours, all yours…” I didn’t even hesitate. I’m not proud of it but X you knew from the beginning how vulnerable I was. I just wanted someone to be happy with. When you came you looked directly into my eyes and I saw a future filled with happiness. I’ve been searching for happiness my entire life. It sounds crazy, but I always knew our love was going to be great. I just didn’t know it was going to be filled with so much pain. “So now what?” I say as I put on my clothes. “Look Glend, I say a lot of shit, but I meant everything I said in this car. I’m not gay but there’s something about you. Even if I was gay, I wouldn’t know how to come out to my friends and family so this is the best I can offer for now. I’m barely touching her. You have me, all of me. All you have to do is be patient. Once I graduate, I want to move far away from this place. Maybe you can come too? I don’t know a lot has happened and I just want to take it one step at a time. I have to go but I’ll see you tomorrow at school.” You said. “I have a lot to think about but I’ll give it a chance.” As I opened the door, you leaned over and gave me one last kiss. “It’s okay, it’s all about effort.” you said. I smiled and went inside. As I laid on my couch, I couldn’t help but replay our moment over and over. “She’s just a cover up” you told me and I believed you. I’m not going to mess up my one shot of happiness with overthinking this. My life has had many ups and downs, maybe you’re a blessing in disguise.  Over the next weeks, you made my life easier X. You would take me home from school so I wouldn’t walk as much. You brought me food so I didn’t starve. You would take me to and from work with no hesitation. You would pay for haircuts and clothes. It’s not how much money you spent that made me love you, it’s that for the first time in life someone wants to spend money on me. It wasn’t a one way relationship either, I helped you with math. I gave you advice that helped fix your relationship with your parents. I showed you a world without drugs. I taught you empathy and how to be peaceful. I didn’t have much but I wanted to give you what I had. I thought if I gave you everything I had, I would get rewarded with the privilege of calling you mine. In the halls, I would see you with Britney but I didn’t care because I knew you were mine. She was so busy with her world she didn’t notice you. I felt less and less guilty everyday. When you would pick me up, you would ignore her calls. You never respected her and I wish I cared at the time. That was our life X, she gets you during the day but I get you at night. I thought everything was perfect until reality slapped me in the face. You see X, you were put in my path to teach me so many lessons and the first you taught me was to never get too comfortable. Valentine’s Day, 2013… I had the perfect night set out for us. I saved money and was going to invite you to Chili’s. I know it’s not much but it’s the best I could do at the time. I spent the entire day thinking that you were going to spend that night with me. When I got home, I called and no answer. No worries right? You’re probably just busy. 4:00? No answer. Then 5, 6, 7. After 8, I texted you to let you know that I have a surprise for you and to please call me. “Can’t hang tonight, eating with my girl. I’ll hit you up when I can.” And just like that, the perfect bubble was broken. I didn’t write anything back because I didn’t know what to really say. I had a whole night planned but what’s the point of doing stuff like that if we can’t even spend Valentine’s Day together. I fell asleep on my couch and thought to myself that this is probably just a bump in the road. That everything will be fine tomorrow. The next day, I woke up to no calls or texts from X. I got ready for school and was hoping that maybe I’d see you. I took the bus to school today since I didn’t spend any money last night. It felt like a regular day, the bus dropped me off at the bus stop and I got some breakfast before class. I was sitting on one of the tables and then I felt someone sit next to me. I thought it was you but when I looked it wasn’t you X, it was Britney. “Hey Glend, I really need someone to talk to, can I talk to you?” she asked. I was as shocked as can be. Do you think she knows about us? She went through your phone? X did you tell her what we did? “Of course, what’s up?” Apparently you met her parents last night and they loved you. Really X? On Valentine’s Day? How romantic. “He was amazing with them, my parents usually hate every guy I date so this is awesome. At first, we were super distant but now? Oh my god Glend, everything has been so different for the last like three weeks. He’s so happy. It was like a switch. Anyways, thanks for hearing me out. I know we aren’t that close but we have so many mutual friends that we might as well be bestfriends haha.” She said. Great, not only am I fucking this girl’s man but she also wants to be my bestfriend. “We might as well be, haha. I’m glad you guys are happy. Happiness isn’t easy to find!” I say. “Yeah. Are you talking to anyone? If not, don’t worry Glend, I have a gay friend who I think would be perfect for you! I want you to be as happy as I am.” Wow why don’t you just shoot me in the face? I’m sure that’ll hurt less. The pain of smiling with your girlfriend as she tells me how happy you two are is a pain I didn’t think was imaginable. X, this pain hurts like hell. “I’m not really looking for someone right now Britney, I’m talking to someone actually.” I say. I wish I could tell Britney that her man was tasting every inch of my skin 24 hours before he met her parents but I won’t let this anger overcome me. “Oh my god, that’s awesome! Let’s do a double date soon.” Yeah, X will just sit in the middle of the table. God this is so ridiculous, I swear I’m never going through this again. The bell rung so this is a perfect excuse to leave. “Well, I’m going to class Glend, let me know when you want to go.” Britney said as she got up and left. “Haha ok I will.” I stayed for a few more minutes and then I hear “What were you talking to Britney about?” I look up and its Ashley. “Good morning to you too Ashley, she was telling me how happy she is in her relationship.” Feels stupid to say but why the fuck do you care bitch? “Relationship? Pfft. Stupid, I know who’s she’s cheating on her man with. She’s little hoe. Let’s go Glend, we’re going to be late for class.” Ashley and I got really close this year. But Britney? Oh you sneaky bitch. As we’re walking into the building, Ashley couldn’t help herself. “You know who she’s cheating on him with?” She asks. Oh now she has my attention. “Who?” I ask.  She stops and turns to me with the biggest grin. She opens her mouth and says “It’s…”

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Just a gay boy expressing his chronicles....

3 thoughts on “Feels like Heaven, hurts like Hell”

  1. stupid boys… always gotta play mind games. X getting me hot already. But damnnnn. He cheating? she cheating? I’m so confused. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP?


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