Birds of a feather:

I can’t believe how stupid I was. I shouldn’t have agreed to meet up with you. If I knew what I know now, I could’ve avoided so much pain. I walked into class and overheard two girls talking about you. “Yeah, he’s going out with Britney.” they said. “They’re really cute.” I was actually jealous. Is she a cover up? Did you have the connection we had? How long after we had sex did you speak to her? I always wondered why her and not me. The girls kept gossiping. Apparently you hooked up with her at a party during winter break and you two have been inseparable ever since. Not that you owe me any explanation X but I was so confused. The frustrating part of this entire situation is that I have no one to lean on or ask for advice. Just me and my thoughts battling against each other. Maybe that’s why you got away with so much. The day went by fast and before I knew it, the bell was ringing for lunch. I rushed out of my last period and hoped I wouldn’t bump into you. I always tried to eat school lunch because I never knew if I had any food waiting for me at home. I rushed to the front of the food line and there you were. See, life has a funny way of humbling someone, it purposely puts the person you least want to see in your path. I wish I would of known you were no good for me. I stood in line and you were 3 people ahead of me. You got food, turned around and saw me. We looked at each other for 5 seconds. The eye contact we made told me you felt bad about the situation. X, I could read you like a book since the beginning. “Next!” The lunch lady said. I turned to walk up and when I look back, you’re already walking away. That’s what you do X, you just walk away. You can never confront anything head on. “Thank you so much.” I tell the lunch lady. “Child, you’re the only one thankful for this food.” Yeah I barely have food at home dumbass. “Yeah it’s really good haha.” I punch my lunch number in and walk to the back of the school. My friends and I usually ate outside. I sat and just started eating. I remember how quiet I was during lunch. No one seemed to notice but no one usually noticed when I was going through anything. Not that I’m anyone’s responsibility but it would still feel nice to be noticed. Before I knew it, the bell was ringing to go back to class. “Glend, do you still want to come to my house after school?” a friend asked. “I’ll definitely let you know but probably not haha” I said. I hated going to a friends house because I was always very envious. I hated seeing people with families get along because all I really ever had was my mom. Sometimes, when I would go to a friend’s house I would imagine that I’m part of their family. That I was the youngest brother and that I was spoiled. I loved seeing people’s rooms because I never had a room growing up, so I would imagine how my room would look in their house. My mom didn’t have a car, so going to a friends house made it difficult for me to go home.  I never met someone who had a similar life to me. Everyone around me had a family and that’s the one thing I’ve always wanted. The rest of the day went by faster than the first half and before I knew it I was already on my way home. My favorite activity is walking. I can walk for miles, I’ve in fact walked home from work when I would miss the bus. I also love seeing houses because I picture what my family would be like. My imaginary family is a dad who’s a lawyer and a mom who’s a therapist. I have three older siblings (two sisters and one brother) and we all are very good at math. My whole family went to my high school and are very well known and respected. I’m the baby so they always protect me. On Fridays, we always order pizza and we fight a lot but we love each other at the end of the day. We take a family vacation every year and every 18th birthday we get our first car. I would play scenarios in my head that I come out to my family and that they all love me. My house is about two miles from my school so I got to do a bunch of imagining. My school finishes at 2:20 and it takes me about an hour to get home. The trailer park that I live in isn’t bad, actually it’s been one of my favorite homes. It has a pool and all the other trailers look cute. My trailer was the only ugly one on the block. My mom and I would only live in half of it because the other half was pretty much destroyed. In my trailer, I slept on the couch while my mom and her boyfriend slept in the room.  I despised coming home because it never really felt like home. It just felt like I was bouncing from spot to spot. “Hola mama, como estas?” I say as I walk in. “Bien mijo gracias, mira te deje comida si tienes hambre.” I put my book bag down and look for my charger. I knew my mother hadn’t ate and I also knew it was the only plate of food we had left that she was offering. “No mama, ya comi mis amigas me compraron comida si lo quieres.” She look relieved and went to the kitchen. It looks like her stupid boyfriend isn’t here. “Jose ya viene?” I ask. “No, viene mas tarde todavia esta trabajando.” My mom’s boyfriend was never a father figure to me. In fact, I hate him. He’s just a drunk who kept my mom happy half of the time. The other half, he was either beating her or me. I think that’s why you and I worked out so well X, you’re the only person in the world that knows everything about me. Before I knew it, it was already night time. My mom and her boyfriend had already fallen asleep. I was watching tv until I felt my phone vibrate.  At the time, I had completely forgotten about you until you texted me. “Hey you busy?” you asked. “No, what did you want to talk about?” I replied. It’s probably to reassure me that you’re not gay. I’ve known I was gay for as long as I could remember but guys who are in the closet are the worst. They have to constantly reassure themselves that they’re not gay because they feel like being gay is the worst thing in the world. I was waiting for a big paragraph explaining how it was a slip up and if I tell anyone you’re going to beat the shit out of me. “Are you home?” you asked. “Yeah, I am. Why?” I sighed because I just want to get this over with. X, we had sex once, it’s not that big of a deal. I was going to write that but I just wanted to be done with this conversation. I’ve had sex with plenty of straight guys and it just happens and we never talk about it again. I didn’t understand why you were dragging this on. “Ok perfect, I’m outside.” you said. Outside? My house? I peaked through the window and there you were. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth just to make sure I didn’t have bad breath. Since I wouldn’t eat much, my breath was always pretty bad if I didn’t constantly brush my teeth. I looked in the mirror I remember asking myself what the hell you wanted. I went outside and the passenger door was unlocked. I came in and you looked relaxed. We sat in silence for about a minute.  “Look, I’m not going to tell your girlfriend about what ha..” you kissed me again and I couldn’t help but to kiss you back. “I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you. I just didn’t know what to tell you. I went to a getty, got drunk and Britney was just there. To be honest, I haven’t been able to get you off my mind. There’s just something about you, you’re like no one I’ve ever met before.” There it was. See when someone is so desperately searching for love, they accept any kind of love. I didn’t know any better. Of course, you didn’t know that. “You have a girlfriend, if I do this, what does that say about me? About this? It’s all bullshit and you know it. I know Britney, I’ve had classes with her, gone to her house and even gone to parties with her. I’ll be the biggest piece of shit if I do this.” I said as I looked into your eyes X “If you’re shit, then I’m shit. Birds of a feather flock together. Forget my girlfriend, I don’t even cum when I fuck her. She’s just there so no one suspects anything. Just please let’s keep this going. Just don’t tell anyone and I’m yours.” Mine? All mine? I’ve never had anyone before. X, you knew exactly what to say. “Let me be yours please…” You said. I felt like I had no choice. “Park the car.” As you were parking, your phone was ringing. You take it out and we see that it’s Britney calling. “Aren’t you going to answer?” I ask. “Fuck that bitch, I’m not leaving until I’m done with you.” you said as you took me to the backseat. I guess I am shit.

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Just a gay boy expressing his chronicles....

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